I’m turning feral, losing language, crying at the ATM in broad daylight and gnawing my tongue to keep from screaming at my desk. I don’t have words for what’s happening to me, I name the combination of persistent, overwhelming pain and fear and confusion a “flare-up”, and maybe it is or maybe I’m just fucking crazy. I can’t explain to my partner what’s going on, so I wring my hands and sob myself exhausted and apologize for being me. I’m so angry at my past, at my body, at myself for how I view my body, at other people for not understanding, I’m so sorry for being so angry.
And this will pass, and this will fade like a bad dream, and I will be better prepared for next time. I have to believe that.
Last night I dreamed I had a baby who I held and loved and was certain that I was going to put up for adoption.
I got the kind of high last night where I kept rambling on a topic (specifically sex work, twitter’s layout, and nazi/SS paganism) then stopping to ask my partner “ok, is that something? Anything?.” Like, are we done? Did I just solve it?